Monday, April 17, 2006

I could be lured to my death by virgins

I camped out today on the blog of "the cannibal" Kevin Underwood. In the 8 hours plus I have spent (what a way to spend the day off) the things that have struck me most is how a self proclaimed computer geek, who had a good command of vocabulary, described himself and his blogging. His laments ("nobody is reading this") and ("I got only 4 hits yesterday") of his reality in 2002 are very different from the reality of today. In the period of time I have been on it, over 50,000 hits have been made to his blog. It seems like the entire internet could very well visit it before the week is out. All made possible by his becoming a cold-blooded killer in a sensational murder. A skyrocket from a nobody to a somebody, an instant ticket to fame, for the price of the life of a ten year old girl. A virgin. That he is speculated to have first killed, then raped. My title "I could be lured to my death by virgins" reflects a quote from his website resulting from his having taken one of those on-line personality tests. It would appear in it he is prophetic, as the prosecutor has announced that he will ask for the death penalty against him.

His story isn't all about him though. It's also about his parents Larry (called Bo, even by Kevin from an early age) and Connie, his teenage sister (he described her as "evil" and his co-workers at the fast-food joint he worked at as being "afraid of her"). He wrote volumes about his friends Alicia, Melissa, Daniel and Olivia,and Chris (the sailor). He also wrote numerous entries about many others who he had very little regard for. None of these people will have a normal life, or will have a semblence of one until the law enforcement agencies, the criminalogists, the reporters, have laid this case to rest. Kevin will not go away easily. His posts alone, will create the perfect defense - the question of his sanity. Should he spend the rest of his days incarcerated or after a period of time be executed, Kevin will be a part of these peoples lives forever. Through him, they all will have 15 minutes of fame or infamy depending how you look at it. They will always be connected to him through his writings, which I am sure are at this moment being copied in mass to be preserved for future reference by perspective biographers, etc.

I started at the beginning (2002) and am reading my way forward to the last entries. A quick list of character traits and personality/lifestyle descriptors appear early on (he is more prolific writing the more depressed and isolated he feels).

self-centered, childish, coddled, spoiled, compulsive, obsessed, sexually frustrated, devoid of social skills, un-motivated, repressed, depressed, isolated, parentally controlled, overweight

Here are some of his entries (not all in entirety) that caught my interest, as it reflects his dark thoughts about himself and others.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Definitely one of the lesser known of mythical bests, you are described as having the head and legs of a cock, the body of a serpent, and the wings of a bat (although there are wingless varieties). You were the blame of hundreds of thousands of deaths in the middle ages. Your breath and even gaze was deadly. Hundreds of basilisk hunts were organized to get rid of you. The hunters would carry mirrors so that, if they encountered you, they would have you look in the mirror and destroy yourself! Weasels were also reputed to be able to kill you, as they could resist your deadly gaze. You were a potent symbol of death and in some cultures the embodiment of Death himself. In Christianity, the Basilisk was linked with Satan.
What mythical beast best represents you?

Although the test isnt very accurate. The first couple of times I took it, it kept saying I was a unicorn, with powers to heal, and the nicest mythical creature ever, even though I kept answering the questions evilly. I finally figured out that it was because I said
I could be lured to my death by virgins.
If I let it, Thanksgiving would probably be a depressing holiday for me. Friday, November 27, 1998, two of my good friends became statistics... When she started dating Gary instead of me, I was heartbroken, to say the least. And came the closest I'd ever come to commiting suicide, something I thought about a lot that year.
My best friend, Chris, who's in the Navy, is home on leave for a month.
I try to keep myself clean, in fact I'm slightly obsessive compulsive when it comes to washing my hands and face. I'm not one of these people who scrub their hands raw every five minutes and freaks out about dirty hands. But I do wash my hands whenever I get the chance, at home it's probably about once every half hour or so, it depends on what I'm doing. I don't stop what I'm doing to go wash my hands, but if I'm up I'll probably wash my hands. At work I was my hands probably about every 15 minutes or so, less often if I'm busy and don't have the time. Washing your hands often is good when you work at a restaurant (is that right? I've never been able to spell that word for some reason). And when I wash my hands I usually wipe my face with the towel or paper towels to keep it clean.
It's been awhile since I've written anything, but that should be changing as Chris has left for Iceland, where he'll be stationed for the next 2 1/2 years, and so now, I once again have no life, and will probably be spending a lot of time online again, either that, or playing video games. But first, here's the results of a couple of test I just took:
That's something I hope to change very soon, but, good luck with that, what with this horrible shyness and social anxiety disorder.
I've got a "thing" for Asian women, they are so beautiful.

Yargh, I'm tired. It's about time for bed. And my face hurts, I've been practicing smiling, partly as part of my attempts to develop a better attitude. I never smile, I hardly know how to smile. And partly because of the benefits. Smiling supposedly makes you feel better, and all that.
Hooray! Happy day! My blog just had its 666th hit! This is truly a day of great import. Mark it on your calendars. I know I will.
Speaking of which, I've really gotta do something. Get some pills or something. I've been so depressed the last couple of months, and it just keeps getting worse every day. And especially every night. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week. I get so depressed at nights I can't even get to sleep anymore. I lie there deeply depressed or crying half the night. I've always been a cryer, my whole life. People who know me may be surprised by that, because I usually do not show any emotions, as little as I possibly can. But I cry all the time, not just from being depressed. Sometimes a beautiful piece of music, or a movie can bring a tear to my eye. Christmas specials especially. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special made me cry like a baby a few weeks ago. I don't think anyone noticed, but I was so depressed at the New Years Eve party that most of the time I was sitting over there by myself I was crying. I don't know how people didnt notice, I had tears running down my cheeks at several points. My new coat is tear-stained from it too.

It's the same old crap that's depressing me. I'm very lonely, and no one wants me. I would love some human contact. Even in a non-sexual, just friendly way. I hardly ever touch anyone, and no one touches me. About the only human contact I have in my life is when people walk past and accidentally bump into or brush against me, or when I hand people their change at work. That's basically the only contact in my life. Last night at work Alicia had some flour or something on the back of her shirt, and she had me wipe it off. That's the first time I've purposely touched someone in a long time (besides kicking them, playful or otherwise). Sometimes it is by choice I don't touch people. I have a problem with touching. Like at the Christmas party at work we were supposed to join hands in a big circle and pray, but I freaked out and refused to touch anyone. So, sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood or something, I don't want to touch or be touched. But the rest of the time, my mind and body both are starved for a little human contact. Even my family doesn't touch me. My family has never been big on touching or showing affection. I have never in my life seen my parents kiss, or even hug each other. That's the main thing that's wrong with me I think. They say that a kid that grows up in a house like that will be really shy. I've been hugged probably maybe ten times in the last 15 years or so. Most of those by relatives, like grandparents and aunts, and stuff like that. I've only hugged two girls that were not relatives, in my entire life.

Then another thing that bothers me is of course the whole sex and relationships thing. I'm 23 and I've only had sex once. I've only been out with one girl, and that wasn't anything really serious. She didn't consider herself my girlfriend, and if I accidentally suggested such a thing she got angry. We just went out four times, on pretty lame dates. I've never had a real relationship, with a real girlfriend, someone who loved me. Nearly all my old friends, and most of the people around here my age are already married and have a kid or two. My parents had been married for five years by the time they were my age.

Then another thing that depresses me is my total lack of a life. I'm 23 and I still live with my parents. I have a dead-end, nothing job, and no college education or anything. I've dropped out of college twice. I still just have no idea what I want to do, nothing interests me enough to go to school for it, or make a career out of it. Or the stuff that does interest me I just have no talent in, like writing, or something artistic or musical, or even acting, I've always thought acting would be cool if only I weren't so shy. I'd be a good villian. I need to get off my ass and at least go to a community college or vo-tech or something, and then find me a real job and move out of my parent's place, and then find a nice woman to maybe marry. But I just have no motivation to do any of that. I'm too lazy, I like having free time. I like being able to do what I want to do. I like being able to sit around and read, or surf the internet, or play video games, or watch cartoons, or whatever I want to do at the moment. That's why I wish I could just win a good lottery. $10 million or so. I'd buy a new car and a decent house, and then just stick the rest in the bank, or invest it, and live off the interest for the rest of my life. I'd still probably have a job, but I would be able to get by with something easy, like Carl's Jr. I enter contests and stuff all the time online. Things like, and Publisher's Clearinghouse stuff.
So maybe this is another one of those "unreturned love" stories, but that's what my life is all about. That's been the history of my life. Always in love, but never loved.
When I was a kid, I used to be smart. As little as five years ago, I used to have a huge vocabulary. Now my vocabulary has deteriorated to point that I can barely express myself. It's embarrassing.

When I was a kid, I used to be able to do lots of things.

So, my skills in every area are gone or failing. And that, I think, is the best explanation for why I am the way I am. Why I live this pathetic life. I have no skills of any kind. I have become a useless lump of flesh, not capable of contributing anything to society.
I got my results back from the test I had to take for the prison job. I scored a 94.17. Out of the 297 people statewide that have taken it, my score is number 8. Which means I am 8th on list to be hired, so maybe I'll have a job before long.
It's a horrible feeling really. My life is slowly dissappearing. I have trouble even remembering anything from more than five years ago. And everything since then isn't worth remembering. It's just the same thing day after day, one day blurring into the other. Wake up, go to work, watch tv, surf the internet, go to sleep. Repeat. It may sound like a joke, or a cliche to say this, but, I think Carl's Jr. really did have something to do with it. It wasn't until I started working there that things really started to go bad. I still had a huge vocabulary, and some skills, when I started working there. But that place broke my spirit in the worst way.

Ok, so, yeah, my life sucks. But I'm trying to change that. I'm finally moving out of my parent's house, and I'm going to find a better job, and I mean it this time. I've been saying that for 4 years, but all I ever do is fill out a couple of applications, and complain when they don't call me. I'm also going to work on becoming a computer and video game geek again. Most people probably wouldn't consider that last one a life improvement, but I do. That's the kind of life I want to live.
Dammit. I hate this. I let my guard down for a second, and now I'm all depressed again. I thought it was finally safe, and that I could handle it now. But I was wrong. I've been ignoring the source of the problem for some time now, and was fine, but now I stopped ignoring it and distancing myself from it, and it got to me again.
Awhile back, my aunt, who's a psychiatrist, even though she's kinda crazy herself, pointed out that everything I write is about death. She's right. I don't really know why, but that's the only thing I know how to write about. I think it's funny.
I have to train a new person at work tomorrow. I hate training people. I'm training my replacement, basically. Since I'm hopefully getting that prison job very soon.

I feel like a traitor or something. I feel bad about going to work at the prison. I hate the government, and here I am going to be a part of it, and one of the worst parts of it: law enforcement.
My mom saw one of those tv commercials for Zoloft, or one of those depression medicines. It was all talking about Social Anxiety Disorder, and so now she's figured out that that's what's wrong with me, even though I've been saying that for years. I know that's what's wrong with me. So now she's trying to get me to go get some medication for it. But I don't want medication for it, that's why I never went to the psychiatrist years ago like I had been planning, I knew they'd just give me pills. I don't want to take pills, I shouldn't have to take pills just to live a normal life like everyone else, I should be able to do it on my own. Actually I have been thinking about it though, I've got to do something. I can't live like this much longer, I have to do something about it.
I wish I could do something creative, I want to write a story or something.

Even masturbation sounds boring. Of course, that lost its fun years ago. Now it's basically just a habit.

To once again put it bluntly, I really need some pussy. Actually, it's more than that. I don't just need sex. I need a girlfriend, a real relationship. Love, and shit like that. Even simpler than that, I just need to be touched, and I don't mean in a sexual way. But no one ever touches me, and I don't touch them. Even the simplest touch is the hardest thing for me. I dream of being hugged.
Ok, call me sick or whatever, but this story made me laugh. Especially the part where dozens of children had to get therapy. MULLET OF DEATH!
What Personality Disorder Do You Have?
I wish I was able to go out and try to pick up women, but I can't. I don't even know where to go to pick up women. I really want a girlfriend. I really should go get some Zoloft so I could talk to people.
Here's a funny conversation I just had with Melissa. Melissa is a girl that lives in California that I met online and have been friends with for about five years now. Well, not really a girl, she's a few years older than me, and is getting married soon. She is the "WooTequila" in my chatterbox down there. She's really weird, and cool. Dammit! I just went to copy the conversation, and my Yahoo Messenger crashed and the window closed! So I'll have to try to remember the conversation as best I can.

missy_custer: Mmmm, I'm hungry.
missy_custer: What did you have for dinner tonight?
SubSpecies23: Children!

missy_custer: lmfao
SubSpecies23: lol, not really. I had meatloaf.
SubSpecies23: Made out of children!
missy_custer: lol, meatloaf, the singer?
SubSpecies23: ew, no, lol. Though he looks like he's probably eaten a child or two.
missy_custer: Yeah, the evil bastard.

There, that's pretty much what was said. I'm surprised I remembered it that well.
This goes for pretty much anything I do, I'll get obsessed with something, learning Japanese, learning an instrument, creating a webpage, anything really, and spend lots of money and/or time on it, then a week or two later, I just suddenly get not interested in it anymore... I know I'm 23 and I can spend my money on what I want, but I've always done what my parents say, and don't like to upset them. I've never argued with my parents about anything, even when I was a teenager. Mainly because my parents are very good to me, they're nice enough to let me live with them, they didn't kick me out when I turned 18 like a lot of parents do, they let me live with them, so I get free room and board, and meals, and sometimes they pay other expenses of mine, they are even paying for my car. This is why I always have so much money, even though I have a crap job. I hardly have any expenses, pretty much the only expenses I have are car insurance every six months, car tag every year, and clothes and stuff, which I don't buy a lot of anyway. Most of my money is just free to do whatever I want with.
My father's name is not Bo, that's just the nickname he's gone by since he was a little kid. Everyone calls him that, some people don't even know it's not his real name. His real name is Larry. Larry Underwood, just like the character in Stephen King's The Stand. Even I usually call him Bo, even when I was a little kid I called him Bo, not father, or dad or anything like that. People used to ask if he was a stepfather or something, since I called him by his "name."
My parents are trying to talk me into getting some Zoloft again. They said that I have to do something, I'm gonna have to take them at least for a little while, at least until I am able to get a good job or something. They said that if I went to the doctor they'd even pay for the pills. I'm gonna have to I guess. I'm getting worse. The last couple of times I've went somewhere I've gotten even more nervous and embarrassed than usual. The last couple of times I've went to a store I've almost passed out while waiting in line at the checkout. I get so nervous my face turns red and starts to hurt, and then actually goes numb, and by the time I leave the store my eyes are all red and bloodshot.
Oh, I forgot to mention something in my last post. I've finally decided that I am going to go to the doctor and get some Zoloft for my social anxiety thing. I'm going to try it, at least for a while. I keep forgetting to make an appointment though. I meant to call the other day, so maybe I could've gotten an appointment for today, since I was off work. I was hoping to be on the medication before I had to go in for my job interview Thursday, so I wouldn't be so nervous, and maybe I'd make a better impression. I never did call though, so I was going to call today, and try to get an appointment for Thursday, since I'm off work that day too, but I forgot again. I'll try to remember to call in the morning. I want to get an appointment set up as soon as possible.
I went to the doctor this morning, and he gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I took my first pill a few hours ago. I wonder how many days it will take before it starts doing anything? He said it wouldn't do anything right away, but didn't give any estimates as to how long it would take. Zoloft is expensive, thirty pills cost $71.89, and that was at the cheapest place. We called several pharmacies, and the others all charged at least $75, one said it would be $80-something.

I got back from my job interview about an hour ago. I think it went better than last time, but I still doubt I'll get the job, just because I have no experience with fights, or dealing with angry or violent people, which is the main stuff they ask you about in the interview. I hope I get the job. Not that I really want to be a prison guard. I don't. But it pays really well, and I hope I get it so I can move out and get my own place.
Wow, great day today! The Zoloft didn't have any bad side effects today, and it was actually working today. I felt great tonight! Really happy and good. Daniel said he could tell that it must be working because I was actually smiling when I was talking, and that he'd hardly ever seen me smile except when I was drunk. It also made me hyper today.
I have issues with...
Take Word Association Test... Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70%
Antisocial |||||||||| 38%
Borderline |||||||||||| 50%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Dependent |||||||||| 34%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 50%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.
My new medicine is called Lexapro.
Do you like to be bitten? Yes.
I'm 24, but my parents still spend a lot of money on me at Christmas. I usually get video games and stuff. This year I told them I want a Game Boy Advance, and a couple of games for it.
I'm angry. I've been referred to as "the fat kid" on someone else's blog. That thing I posted a few days ago that lists the sites that have linked to my site in the last 24 hours had a site on there today called "Jessica Asche, Will you Marry Me," or something like that, so I clicked it to check it out. It took me like 15 minutes to find the link to my site, because the site has tons of links on it, and the post my link was in was from about a month ago. In one post, the person was complaining about how if you search Google for their page it doesn't find it, and then went on to say "I wonder how long it takes the Oracle of Google to acknowledge your existence. Why does the Oracle acknowledge the fat kid, and not me? Pay attention to me, damnit!" And the words, "the fat kid" was a link to my site.

F*** you, you f***ing f***!

I think I'm going to send him an email. I may be fat, but I'm not a kid.
Current Mood: Crazy and hyper, yet extremely bored.

Man, I've been extremely crazy and hyper the last couple of days.

I worry about myself sometimes. A few minutes ago I was just sitting here at my computer, and for no apparent reason, with no planning or anything, I just suddenly jumped up from my chair and said, "I can sing, I can dance, I've got squirrels in my pants." I have no idea where that suddenly came from.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Low
Level 2 (Lustful) High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme
Level 7 (Violent) Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Last night I also bought that Rob Zombie movie The House of 1000 Corpses. It was pretty cool, but not quite what I expected. First I expected it to be a lot campier and weirder, and also more extreme. The movie was actually pretty tame compared to what I was hoping to see. Also, there was no cannibalism, for some reason I was expecting, and hoping to see, cannibalism.
Hmmm, so far, my blog hasn't done shit for me. I don't have any fans really, other than people I already knew. Or if I have them, they never say anything. Gusto is the only person I didn't already know that I've heard from since starting this blog a year and a half ago. I haven't gained any new friends from this blog, and I certainly haven't gotten girls or money from it.
So anyway, me and my sister went to the Medieval Fair, it was really cool. I bought a really cool new dagger, that was only $15. I couldn't believe it was that cheap, it's really nice, and large. I wasn't going to buy anymore weapons, as I already have two swords, and I didn't want to spend too much money, since I'm hoping to get my own apartment soon, but this was so cheap I had to get it. It's really nice, it's even got a hilt, which looks like it's made of wood, I'm not sure if it really is, and it has ornamental metal overlays, which are a goldish color. It's got some red tassels hanging from the handle of the dagger. The blade is about 8 inches long, and really sharp, and has an Asian dragon painted on it.
The idiot kids knocked at my door earlier. This time they were actually knocking, rather than accidentally crashing their bikes into it. I don't know what it is about my door that acts as a magnet for kids on bikes. They can't go past it without accidentally crashing into it. Anyway, the kids knocked on my door, but I didn't answer it. I knew what they most likely wanted. They put and orange juice stand up a few hours ago (yes, orange juice, not lemonade. Or it looks like orange juice anyway.) and they probably wanted me to buy some. Like I'd consume anything they'd been near. Who knows what they could've done to it, intentional or otherwise. Even if they didn't intentionally put something in it, they could have used dirty glasses, or their dog could have drank out of it, or anything really. They're kids, they don't know what they're doing. They look like they're maybe ten years old.


Will I continue with this? Maybe...

Read Steve Huff at Huff's Crime Blog- for an indepth look into the mindset of Kevin.

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posted by Is It Just Me? at 8:01 AM